Friday, May 26, 2006

Oh my aching....everything!

I've been busy since I got up at a 9am this morning. I had to go pay bills all over town (I like to walk in my payments vs phoning them and using my card or sending a check). Then I had an eye doctors appointment. His name is Tim. I didn't have to call him Dr. (insert last name here). He said, "Hi I'm Dr. (insert name here) but please call me Tim." Gonna take John to see him! Got some new glasses, yay! I didn't finish the errand parts of my day until around 3pmish. Then I got some groceries, dropped them off and left again to pick up my glasses.

After getting home and eating dinner, Alex and I went out to find some pants and shoes for her (still need to find shoes, couldn't find any today). We also went and picked up some flowers. So now I feel so much more...better. Flowers make me happy.

I've also done some deep soul searching in regards to getting a new kitten. John said it was ok to get one and I was good and ready to do it. Then I thought of the birds. It's not fair to them, a new kitten or to Alex. The birds would have to be shut in her room so the kitten couldn't get to them. If they are out and kitty goes after them, then kitty gets in trouble and birds get scared. So I'll wait until the birds are gone and Skyler is a bit older...then get a new kitty or puppy. I feel ok with the decision because it was MINE and not influenced by anyone elses opinion.

I'll end this with a picture of my favorite flowers. I love Geraniums and Cyclamin. I found that Cyclamin at the Grocery store, of all places. $10 and it's HUGE!!!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Today is Armed Forces Day

I just watched a special on HBO with families of fallen soldiers. They read letters and shared pictures of thier sons and daughters, husbands, sisters and brothers. I just and cried. Selfishly really because while my heart mourned for them, I sat praying that my family would be spared that pain. My brother Travis is over there in Iraq...again. This is his third trip to that God forsaken piece of dirt. I say God forsaken because I think it is. I think those people have forgotten who God is. I don't think that anyone who had true faith and love in God could do what those horrible "insurgents" do. But then I must remember, they don't believe in God. They believe in some ALLAH who they think would respect and admire that they take lives in His name.

Travis would be ashamed of me for saying this but...I think we should just blow the entire pile of dirt to hell and let God sort out the good from the bad. Not very Christian of me, but I'm so afraid. If we don't stop them, all of them, they'll come here again. I'm afraid for my brother. Eventually those stupid people will figure out that if they want to disable us down there, disable the aircraft. In order to disable the aircraft, they'd have to take out the places where the aircraft refuel and get repaired. I know my brother is in one of those places. He's an aircraft mechanic. Those helicopters that swooped in and allowed for the rescue of Jessica Lynch? Those were his.

Travis is my brother and for most of my life I admired him, looked up to him and held him above all others in my family. It wasn't hard, because my whole childhood I was always asked why I couldn't be more like him. He was "the good child". The rest of us were always lacking something. I'm smarter now and grown up and I know that he's just as imperfect as the rest of us. It makes him more real I guess. I'll worry about him until he's out of the military. I figured he'd have to go over there once but then he'd be ok. Now, on this third trip, I am far more worried than ever before.

I pray that because Travis is over there, perhaps God will spare my other brother from having to go over again. My Mom has had so much hurt and pain in her life, most of which was caused by us kids (sorry Mom). I think God should spare her this pain that I watched other mothers go through.

I still support our troops. I love our troops. I know they are doing what they've been ordered to do and will be held blameless in the eyes of God. But I don't believe in this war.



I love you big brother! (He's the light haired guy. The other one is his friend Frog. We love Frog too.)

Friday, May 19, 2006

Diary of a TV drama junkie

Ok so I watch a few drama's on TV. To be fair that's really ALL I watch. This is my "must see" list.

Crossing Jordan (I get bummed when I miss one)
CSI (Mmmmmm Grisom)
Law & Order SVU (Mmmmm Stabler)
Charmed (though it IS about time they end it, especially since they took mega-hunk Brian Kraus "Leo" off.)
ER (not as much though since Noah Wylie "Carter" is gone)
Without A Trace (took ER's place for me this season)

Then there are the "reality tv" shows.

Survivor (HAHAHAHA LAME TERRY DIDN'T WIN!!!!!)
Amazing Race (YAY BJ AND TYLER!!! HIPPIE POWER!!!)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand for the summer....Last Comic Standing. Gotta love it love it!

I missed the season enders for Crossing Jordan and Without A Trace but I'll catch them in re-run. But I got the season ender for CSI and ER (Charmed is Sunday).

CSI-So glad to see them FINALLY put Gil and Sarah together. Glad to see that Brass is staying too and didn't die tonight.

ER-I hate thier habit of cliffhanger endings, truely getting old.
*SPOILER ALERT* I checked online to see what the next season would start with, seeing as how tonight ended with Jerry on the table with a gunshot wound and not doing too well, Luka still intubated and tied to a bed (compliments of a couple escape prisoners one of whom just HAPPENS to be Sam's ex Steve. Who of course takes her AND his son as hostages. Dumb story line there), But biggest of all, we see Abby dizzy, then doubled over in pain, slide her hand down (like checking to see if her water broke) and bringing her hand back up covered in blood. Then we see Luka watching her through the window as he struggles to get free, and he sees the blood, her hand touches the window and drags down as she falls unconcious, to the floor.

So if you don't want to see how next season starts, don't read any farther than this....




























Jerry is in surgery following his gunshot wound. Luka is with Abby when she delivers the baby. (Here's the suck part)...Let's just say things DON'T go so after the birth.

I swear if they kill off ANOTHER baby (like Carter's son...remember?) I am going to scream. Hopefully I'm not the only one who thinks this way. I WANT to see Luka and Abby have thier baby and get married and be happy. There's been enough infanticide in the script and enough death (Who's lame ass monkey idea was it to kill off Michael? Neela deserves some happiness too, geez. Now it looks like they got that rock and roll poindexter dumbass sniffing her skirts.)


Ok, I watch too much tv. Off to crochet now.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Two steps forward, three steps back..

So I get assigned this new site, more hours. Of course my body hates it but my mind was at ease about finances for once. Ah well some employee needs hours. A guy. Doesn't matter that this guy got canned from the bowling alley for not doing his job and that our company actually lost an account because, "he didn't get of the car often enough". Nope, he's been with the company longer so he gets senority. Whatever. Back to the drawing board.

Tonight was going fine, until the "manager" of the account showed up. He was upset because I didn't have the gate locked. I wasn't told that the gate needed to be locked when I was the on the property. I appologized, told him it wouldn't happen again but that I didn't know it was supposed to be locked, and then I locked the gate. Not 15 minutes later another guy shows up. He gets out of his truck and comes to the gate, fuddles with the lock. I could tell he was having problems with the lock (it's a crappy lock), so I got out to help him. What did I get? Here let me replay it for ya.

Him- Did you lock this gate?
Me- Yes Sir, I did.
Him- Why?
Me- (point to managers car) Because he told me to.
Him- Grumbles for a moment. This is bullshit.
Me- I'm sorry Sir, but it's what he said.
Him- No, I mean having the gate locked like this, it's bullshit. Can you see these numbers?
Me- Yes Sir, I'll unlock it for you.
(unlocked the gate) I opened up the one side of the gate so he could pull his pickup through. He opens the other side of the gate. Confusing me of course.
Me- Uhm. So, I have to lock the gate again behind. Because He said that the gate is to be locked at all times after business hours unless a driver (truck yard) is in the yard.
Him- That's shit!! Leave it open, there are more guys coming soon.

Thankfully a big rig pulled up and took the gate issue away. It was time for me to leave and there was now a driver in the yard. Gate stays open while driver is in the yard. Needless to say I have to call my boss in a couple hours.


John then informs me that *I* need go pay insurance today AND get the tags renewed on my car. So I'll be up until like 10 or 11, when I have to get sleep and by awake by 6pm. Nice huh? F*cker!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

New hours at work...meh!

Well the guy that worked a local site here for our company was diagnosed with a brain tumor and decided to spend what time he has left with his family. So I'm picking up some hours. I'm not thrilled because I don't like pain, and working longer hours brings pain. The up side is that I'm by myself so I can't offend anyone or say the wrong thing. Plus the boss gets a kick out of the fact that I naturally work HARDER than I have to. Though he says I need to knock it down a notch so the other officers don't look bad. See, I'll be doing very simple tasks. I have to check some things, document if they are full or empty (I think it's just busy work so the client sees paperwork and knows we did SOMETHING). Then the rest of the night I just write down who comes and goes. Last two times I did this I saw FOUR whole people. But...I document things very precisely. John says, "Anal retentively." But that's what I do.

Shrug, we'll just have to see how this works out.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Sadness of the heart.

The halls of my mind are haunted,
by demons of deeds from the past,
Thier terrible forms chasing me,
I'm tormented by the shadows they cast.

I pray each day for a compassionate God,
One of understanding and abiding love.
For only He can free my soul,
when my time comes to rise above.

Freedom from torment and heartache,
Is all I've ever wanted,
and perhaps finally to be at peace,
by no more shadows to be haunted.

I believe my heart to be loving,
under all the anger and pain,
I deeply crave and hunger to be delivered,
let God's love fall on me like rain.

Being twisted inside with guilt,
is no way for me to live,
Praying and and hoping desperately,
That God will indeed forgive.
----------------------------------

I often wonder about my spiritual future. There are things in my past that I am deeply ashamed of, things I wonder if God can forgive. We all have things we're ashamed of, lies told, perhaps something small stolen in our youth, maybe drugs or alcohol. I used drugs in my youth, I had premarital sex, I've lied and cheated on boyfriends. The thing that weighs most heavily on my soul...an abortion on March 1, 1996. I'm still fairly positive it was my one chance for a son. Does it matter to God that I was afraid? Does it matter that I honestly believed my mother might take away my sweet toddler daughter? I'm not sure that any excuse or reason could be good enough. What will matter, I am afraid, is that I would do this horrible thing to someone He loved so deeply. I was baptized when I was 19, so my soul cannot be cleansed of this sin so easily. It haunts me daily.

Then when I lash out angrily at structured religion (the current church of choice is LDS), does that tarnish my soul further? When I say that sometimes I feel like God owes me something, am I condemning myself to hell? It just seems to me sometimes, just sometimes, that having lived through physical and deep emotional abuse from a parent, molestation and rape from a sibling...maybe I've paid my dues.

I'm bi-polar and tormented with some deep seated anxiety that has me constantly paranoid that I've done something wrong at work, that when I go out and people see me that they are disgusted by what they see (how selfish must I be that I assume EVERYONE is looking at me?). I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing a disturbing darkness. I want to be the kind of person who can be happy and active and a good wife and mother, instead of this THING. I suppose some people would say I'm deeply disturbed and they are probably right. But I struggle on. Obligations you know. I have to raise my daughter to adulthood. I hope to raise her so that she can become something far better than what I am.

I know why I am sad lately. It's May. Next month my firstborn turns 14. I haven't seen her except in a single picture, in almost two years. I miss her. I've missed her for almost 14 years. Have you ever had a decision YOU'VE made haunt you that long? While giving her up was best for her, I can't help but to notice how different I became after. No more sunny disposition. No more easy affection. No more me. I became someone completely different after. It's not fair either. My birthmother is the same. She even says so, Gran says so, my other family members who've known her before and after say so. She was sad for a bit, but is basically the same KIND of person she was before. I guess that's part of why I resent her so much. I guess I think, if she loved me as deeply as I loved my baby...she'd be different too.

I hate this. I just want to be happy. I want to feel like I can succeed. I can't though. I'm facing taking over my husbands full time position and him taking my part time one. This makes me angry at him because HE is supposed to be the provider. But more importantly instead of being excited by the challenge, I can only wonder how long it will be before I screw this up too. Before I fail.

I want to live a long life. I don't want the world to end, or my life to end, before I've seen my babies grown into happy successful women with families of thier own. But...it hurts somewhere deep and hidden, when I think I could live into my late years...like this.
-----------------------------------------------

On a forum that I belong to, a person posted about welfare mothers. They pretty much lumped them all into the same group and wanted help writing a poem about it. This poem was to be entitled "Shameful Garden". I saw everyone's responses and how angry they all were at "Welfare mothers". One person even called the children of these women, "Unwanted bastards". It made me angry to see all women on public assistance judged the same, when there ARE some good women just trying to get a little hand up, not a hand out. So I wrote my own version of "Shameful Garden".

"Shameful Garden"

In an open field,
where beauty is grown,
there is a shameful garden,
where seeds of hate are sown.

Where judgements are cast,
and all are found lacking,
where heartworn blossoms,
are often judged slacking.

Not every flower,
is poisoned with waste,
but beauty cannot be seen,
If just glanced at in haste.

All flowers can grow,
just give them some room.
A little assistance,
and the strong ones will bloom.

For each ugly weed,
there's a fine flower,
Dig out the weeds,
and give the bloom power.

A little love can heal,
all wicked hearts,
stop judging these flowers,
you angry old farts!"

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Feeling down but not sure why...

I feel sort of down. John is having issues doing his job. Physically it is getting too difficult for him to do all the walking that is involved and he's begun to tell me that he needs to be doing my job and I need to just take over his. I can't physically keep up with the demands of his job. Hell my knee cries and my lungs ache just trying to do the ONE paper drop for him that requires walking up three flights of stairs, dropping off paperwork, then going down those stairs, walking across to the OTHER stairwell and climbing three flights of stairs to do drop paperwork on that side. It's all very frightening for me because if he seriously can't work anymore I already know how long it takes to get disability crap going.

His feet are giving out on him. I fully believe it's because he weighs 490lbs and they just can't take the weight anymore. But yet he eats and eats and eats. He eats 4 sandwiches in one sitting and thinks that is ok. He drinks two liters of pop in a shift. He doesn't check his blood sugar, he doesn't take his pills. I can't do ANYTHING about it and I feel so helpless. He's also starting to become more domineering. Things MUST be his way. We're getting the new sofa tomorrow but need to get the current one OUT. So I said if the new one came before this one was taken out, that we could just store this one in the garage. He said "NO, we'll keep it in the apartment." There's hardly room in the living room as it is because his stuff is spread out all over on one side, we have a table and two chairs in the other for Alex to eat at and do her homework and then there is the entertainment center and Skyler's round chair. But he's adament that this one will NOT go into the garage. He also said that it could NOT be taken out by my friends until AFTER the new sofa is here. Well beggars can't be choosers and the only time my friend had available to come pick up this sofa was noon. Couch is scheduled to be here sometime between 11:30 and 2. I told John that unless he had a better way of getting rid of this sofa, then he just has to deal with the arrangements I made.

I think I'm unhappy because he has me doing all the bill paying, but yells at me if something doesn't go right (currently pissed off at me because my tags are expired on the car but I paid the more important bills...like electricity). I had to figure out what to do with the current sofa, he wasn't interested in trying and just said, "You deal with it. I'm happy just keeping it in here." IT SMELLS!!! John isn't the most hygenic person in the world and his side of the sofa smells like dirty, sweaty manbits. I'm so embarrassed about it that I won't let anyone sit on his side when we have guests. I spray Febreeze on it daily. It's broken down on his side too and can't recline anymore. Time for it to go to our local "waste recycling center". They'll take it, dismantle it, burn what is burnable and actually reuse any metal pieces that they can.

I keep looking around me, thinking about where I am (emotionally, physically, economically) and wondering how I ended up here. I had goals and ambitions once. Now I just feel trapped in some sort of suckwagon life with no way out...and I did it to myself. I'm poor, I'm fat, my hair is falling out, I need a back surgery we can't afford, a surgery because I'm prolapsing or collapsing someplace I shouldn't be and I'm married to a man who has no inclination towards taking care of himself...the only bright spot I see right now is the one thing that keeps me plugging along. My daughter. She's my life and I'll keep going and doing my best because she deserves every effort on my part. She's beautiful and brilliant (good looking genes on the sperm side and smart genes on mine) and I WILL do everything I can to help her become whatever it is that she is destined to be.

Monday, May 01, 2006

The most boring job on the planet

I used to think I'd had boring jobs until tonight. This post I worked tonight and have to work again next Sunday to pay off John's loan from the boss...SUCKS! Here let me detail my night for you.

I get there and the gate is locked. Can't get John on the phone so I have to wait for him to show up. He doesn't have the code, has to call the boss. We get in the gate. John tells me what I am supposed to do and shows me how to get into the restroom (locked with coded lock), then he leaves.

I go around the back of the truck yard and write on my report the number of each trailer and whether or not it's full. This takes about a half hour.

Park car at front end of yard. This is all done by 8pm. I don't see ANYONE until nearly 11pm. Between 10:30p and midnight I see a total of FOUR trucks come into the yard hauling triple trailers. They each come in, drop ONE trailer and then leave. All this is finished by midnight. I see NO ONE ELSE until just before my shift is over when an employee of the truck yard arrives for work. I finish my paperwork and put it through the door. Shift over.

Thank God for the tv station I can pick up on the radio, and my books.

Sitting for that long, even with the short little jaunts out of the car, has caused my low back to just ache like crazy. It's this wierd pressure like sticking two suction cups together then trying to pull them apart. That's what my lower back feels like.