Sunday, October 28, 2007

Muddle muddle, toil and trouble. Cauldron boil and Cauldron bubble.

Yeah long title, I know. But it's been running through my head for days. It's so strange that as I grow more confident in my position in life, things get even weirder with John. I have GOT to blog more often.

For about a month now, John and I have been talking. He says he knows he messed up, that it was all he could do at the time. He was miserable and was just tired of being miserable and so he bailed, badly. Yep, duh. But now he says he loves me. After MONTHS of telling me he doesn't, now I'm supposed to believe those were lies and this is the truth. *Sigh* I'm too tired to figure it out anymore, you know? I love him too, he knows that. But without trust, love just isn't enough. So he's desperate to come "home" and I'm desperate for him to understand that my home isn't his home. He'll be done driving truck at the end of December and STILL hasn't talked to his folks to see if they'll take him in until he saves enough money for a place. I think he's convinced that I'll take him back. Well, I won't. Not like this, not now.

I like my independence. I like coming and going when and where I want, without having to bounce it off a husband. If I feel social, I can hit my bar and hang with my friends. Yep, I have my very own version of "Cheers" where everybody knows my name LOL. If I don't feel social I can stay at home and crochet, watch tv, read a book or play online. Again without having to talk it over with a husband. I like knowing that where my money goes, I put it. Even when I have no one but myself to be mad at for foolish spending, at least I know where it went and when it went there. I like fixing ONE meal at dinner because Alex and I will eat the same things. Sure, there are things I miss about having a husband here but....(Sorry Teresa) that's what BOB is for hahaha.

I dunno. I hate feeling like I'm going to hurt John. I am NOT a doormat but I am a fairly nice person and I just like for everyone to be happy. But this time, I'm NOT putting myself last.