Rest in peace Bubba, I love you

My beloved boy Skyler Beau crossed the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. 

Skyler you were a sweet boy.  So loving, so good and so amazingly valiant.  You fought hard to overcome all your health issues.  You had such a gifted heart.  I love you.  I will miss you forever.  Thank you for blessing my life for ten and a half years.  No one will EVER take your place in my heart.  I am trying to get a new friend.  You know your Momma needs a love.  I think you and God had a hand in guiding me to the new little guy.  I will never call him Bubba or Monkey.  He will be Milo Ryder Gibbs James.  He will be a new heart to take care of and hopefully with your guidance from Heaven, he will be the new heart that loves me back.

Give your sister Abbigail love for me, as well as your Great Grandparents.  Run free baby boy, no more pain, no more crooked body, no more bald chest or "old man warts".  Sweet angel boy, I miss you.

The Beauty Around Us

Something beautiful sometimes comes from something painful.  If it weren't for my struggles, I wouldn't have found a passion like wild life photography.  I hope one day to be REALLY good, instead of just lucky.

God puts beauty in everyone's life.  Sometimes we just have to open our eyes to find it.

Two random things can create something truly breath taking.

The heartache of loss

So this is a safe place for me to write out all the pain that comes with divorce.  I need to get it out, it's like a poison in my soul.  I feel like I am being shredded from the inside and I just don't know where everything went so wrong.

I feel so wasted.  My husband hates me.  My home is no longer a safe place, instead there are memories at every glance.  I alternate between wanting to cry and wanting to scream.  I just don't understand.  I spent almost 13 years trying to be everything.  His every happiness was all I ever cared about inside and now, I'm empty.  I feel lost, alone, ugly and hopeless.

How did we get here?  How did we get to the point that he wishes I would die?

I have come back.

Life has gone full circle since I last posted. I've noticed that this blog seemed to really cycle around my relationship with my husband. So I want to close that cycle with this post.

John was unfaithful. During a period of time when I was facing life threatening health complications, he threw his money away on marijuana. He shared his body with another woman and didn't confess to me until last week. So not only was my health in jeopardy because of my own body, he put me at risk by having sex with someone else. There is no way that someone who knows what love truly is, would do that. I'm okay with the divorce coming now. It will always hurt and it will take me a long time to fully accept that my marriage failed but that I did not fail.

I want only great things for him, because that's just how I love. I know I am better than he ever deserved. I took care of him, loved him, treasured him, shared all of myself with him. What else is there? Unless he has a major wake up call and learns to get in touch with his feelings completely instead of living in denial...he'll never be truly happy. Any woman getting involved with him now, deserves what she is going to get.

I deserve better.

Life goes on, oh blah dee blah da

Alex goes to her first formal this weekend. I'll get pictures. She's doing well in school, as always. She and Kael got back together. Weird, but that pleases me. I didn't realize how much I liked that boy until she dropped him. They're two peas in a pod, although she thinks she's a cleaner, tidier pea. Hate to break it to her but EH! Wrong!

John is John. Always the same I suppose. He's still doing the whole school thing but his study habits haven't changed and thus almost 9 months into it he's still pulling C's and D's. I don't imagine he's going to get funding for next year. He's dropped about 60 lbs! At his heaviest he was weighing in at about 480lbs and in the last couple of years his weight has been coming off. Now that he's taking medication for his diabetes, blood pressure and cholesterol he seems to be doing better. I may actually talk to the doc about getting on the same cholesterol medication. Wow, 34 years old talking about cholesterol medication.

I'm fine. My life revolves around work (4 ten hour shifts, nights) and household duties. I don't really do anything else. Pay bills, grocery shop, parent, wife. Yup that's me. I'm probably depressed, I dunno. I don't really care at this point, I'm just tired.

Skyler is hurting and I'm wondering if we're being inhumane. I'm not ready to give up yet and if we can keep him comfortable with medication then so be it. I may ask the vet to up his medication to keep him more sedated. Since it's his shoulder that's bugging him, he needs to stay off it. Poor guy. It hurts my heart because we can't even pick him up or carrying him or snuggle with him because of where he is hurting. I can tell he's getting lonely, always having to be in his kennel right now. But he's supposed to stay as inactive as possible.

That's enough for now.

Sorry Mo

It was brought to my attention by a nice friend that I have NOT been updating. Sorry but I didn't think anyone read really. I'll update now.

John's home. We still have rough spots and I've been tempted a time or two to throw out "You don't like it? LEAVE!" But...we're a work in progress.

My job sucks at the moment. I'm still working four 10's and the boss's son works three 12's. We've picked up several new accounts and now my schedule is so packed that most nights I can't even get in more than a single 10 minute break. I got shot down for a raise because of the economy. But, at least I still have a job.

Alex is doing well. She's a joy for everyone but her parents LOL. For us she is the typical teenage. Moody, self centered, self pitying, self loathing/self absorbed...yep the world revolves around her, according to her behavior. But that's ok as long as she turns out ok in the end. She and her boyfriend have been dating for over a year now and are still very happy with each other. Any parent of a teenager can probably share my discomfort there. I mean, I want her to be happy but it's a bit disconcerting that they are attached at the hip all the time.

The dogs are great great great! Skyler turns 7 this month and Jesse turns 2.

Relax