Feeling down but not sure why...

I feel sort of down. John is having issues doing his job. Physically it is getting too difficult for him to do all the walking that is involved and he's begun to tell me that he needs to be doing my job and I need to just take over his. I can't physically keep up with the demands of his job. Hell my knee cries and my lungs ache just trying to do the ONE paper drop for him that requires walking up three flights of stairs, dropping off paperwork, then going down those stairs, walking across to the OTHER stairwell and climbing three flights of stairs to do drop paperwork on that side. It's all very frightening for me because if he seriously can't work anymore I already know how long it takes to get disability crap going.

His feet are giving out on him. I fully believe it's because he weighs 490lbs and they just can't take the weight anymore. But yet he eats and eats and eats. He eats 4 sandwiches in one sitting and thinks that is ok. He drinks two liters of pop in a shift. He doesn't check his blood sugar, he doesn't take his pills. I can't do ANYTHING about it and I feel so helpless. He's also starting to become more domineering. Things MUST be his way. We're getting the new sofa tomorrow but need to get the current one OUT. So I said if the new one came before this one was taken out, that we could just store this one in the garage. He said "NO, we'll keep it in the apartment." There's hardly room in the living room as it is because his stuff is spread out all over on one side, we have a table and two chairs in the other for Alex to eat at and do her homework and then there is the entertainment center and Skyler's round chair. But he's adament that this one will NOT go into the garage. He also said that it could NOT be taken out by my friends until AFTER the new sofa is here. Well beggars can't be choosers and the only time my friend had available to come pick up this sofa was noon. Couch is scheduled to be here sometime between 11:30 and 2. I told John that unless he had a better way of getting rid of this sofa, then he just has to deal with the arrangements I made.

I think I'm unhappy because he has me doing all the bill paying, but yells at me if something doesn't go right (currently pissed off at me because my tags are expired on the car but I paid the more important bills...like electricity). I had to figure out what to do with the current sofa, he wasn't interested in trying and just said, "You deal with it. I'm happy just keeping it in here." IT SMELLS!!! John isn't the most hygenic person in the world and his side of the sofa smells like dirty, sweaty manbits. I'm so embarrassed about it that I won't let anyone sit on his side when we have guests. I spray Febreeze on it daily. It's broken down on his side too and can't recline anymore. Time for it to go to our local "waste recycling center". They'll take it, dismantle it, burn what is burnable and actually reuse any metal pieces that they can.

I keep looking around me, thinking about where I am (emotionally, physically, economically) and wondering how I ended up here. I had goals and ambitions once. Now I just feel trapped in some sort of suckwagon life with no way out...and I did it to myself. I'm poor, I'm fat, my hair is falling out, I need a back surgery we can't afford, a surgery because I'm prolapsing or collapsing someplace I shouldn't be and I'm married to a man who has no inclination towards taking care of himself...the only bright spot I see right now is the one thing that keeps me plugging along. My daughter. She's my life and I'll keep going and doing my best because she deserves every effort on my part. She's beautiful and brilliant (good looking genes on the sperm side and smart genes on mine) and I WILL do everything I can to help her become whatever it is that she is destined to be.