The heartache of loss

So this is a safe place for me to write out all the pain that comes with divorce.  I need to get it out, it's like a poison in my soul.  I feel like I am being shredded from the inside and I just don't know where everything went so wrong.

I feel so wasted.  My husband hates me.  My home is no longer a safe place, instead there are memories at every glance.  I alternate between wanting to cry and wanting to scream.  I just don't understand.  I spent almost 13 years trying to be everything.  His every happiness was all I ever cared about inside and now, I'm empty.  I feel lost, alone, ugly and hopeless.

How did we get here?  How did we get to the point that he wishes I would die?

I have come back.

Life has gone full circle since I last posted. I've noticed that this blog seemed to really cycle around my relationship with my husband. So I want to close that cycle with this post.

John was unfaithful. During a period of time when I was facing life threatening health complications, he threw his money away on marijuana. He shared his body with another woman and didn't confess to me until last week. So not only was my health in jeopardy because of my own body, he put me at risk by having sex with someone else. There is no way that someone who knows what love truly is, would do that. I'm okay with the divorce coming now. It will always hurt and it will take me a long time to fully accept that my marriage failed but that I did not fail.

I want only great things for him, because that's just how I love. I know I am better than he ever deserved. I took care of him, loved him, treasured him, shared all of myself with him. What else is there? Unless he has a major wake up call and learns to get in touch with his feelings completely instead of living in denial...he'll never be truly happy. Any woman getting involved with him now, deserves what she is going to get.

I deserve better.

Life goes on, oh blah dee blah da

Alex goes to her first formal this weekend. I'll get pictures. She's doing well in school, as always. She and Kael got back together. Weird, but that pleases me. I didn't realize how much I liked that boy until she dropped him. They're two peas in a pod, although she thinks she's a cleaner, tidier pea. Hate to break it to her but EH! Wrong!

John is John. Always the same I suppose. He's still doing the whole school thing but his study habits haven't changed and thus almost 9 months into it he's still pulling C's and D's. I don't imagine he's going to get funding for next year. He's dropped about 60 lbs! At his heaviest he was weighing in at about 480lbs and in the last couple of years his weight has been coming off. Now that he's taking medication for his diabetes, blood pressure and cholesterol he seems to be doing better. I may actually talk to the doc about getting on the same cholesterol medication. Wow, 34 years old talking about cholesterol medication.

I'm fine. My life revolves around work (4 ten hour shifts, nights) and household duties. I don't really do anything else. Pay bills, grocery shop, parent, wife. Yup that's me. I'm probably depressed, I dunno. I don't really care at this point, I'm just tired.

Skyler is hurting and I'm wondering if we're being inhumane. I'm not ready to give up yet and if we can keep him comfortable with medication then so be it. I may ask the vet to up his medication to keep him more sedated. Since it's his shoulder that's bugging him, he needs to stay off it. Poor guy. It hurts my heart because we can't even pick him up or carrying him or snuggle with him because of where he is hurting. I can tell he's getting lonely, always having to be in his kennel right now. But he's supposed to stay as inactive as possible.

That's enough for now.

Sorry Mo

It was brought to my attention by a nice friend that I have NOT been updating. Sorry but I didn't think anyone read really. I'll update now.

John's home. We still have rough spots and I've been tempted a time or two to throw out "You don't like it? LEAVE!" But...we're a work in progress.

My job sucks at the moment. I'm still working four 10's and the boss's son works three 12's. We've picked up several new accounts and now my schedule is so packed that most nights I can't even get in more than a single 10 minute break. I got shot down for a raise because of the economy. But, at least I still have a job.

Alex is doing well. She's a joy for everyone but her parents LOL. For us she is the typical teenage. Moody, self centered, self pitying, self loathing/self absorbed...yep the world revolves around her, according to her behavior. But that's ok as long as she turns out ok in the end. She and her boyfriend have been dating for over a year now and are still very happy with each other. Any parent of a teenager can probably share my discomfort there. I mean, I want her to be happy but it's a bit disconcerting that they are attached at the hip all the time.

The dogs are great great great! Skyler turns 7 this month and Jesse turns 2.

Relax

A collection of poetry

Ok so most of this is null and void at this point, but it's still pretty darn good. I write poetry when I am feeling "open". Whether it's sorrow or joy, I have times where I just need to write. So I'm sharing some here. A couple of blog readers who have known me for a while may remember some of this, maybe not.

"Together again"

He looks at her,
with eyes of love.
she is to Him,
a gift from above.
Together again,
no tricks or lies.
Together forever,
no more goodbyes.
He takes her arm,
and leads her away.
Never to wander,
never to stray.
she smiles at Him,
and take his hand.
Trusting as He guides her,
to a new wonderous land.
A place just for them,
with happiness only.
No more tears,
they'll never be lonely.
There is now ONE,
where once there was two.
One man and one woman,
Just me, and just You.
Bound of the soul,
joined by the heart.
What's now together,
No one can part.
Our love shines true,
through the darkest of days.
Guiding us now,
and forever,
always.

"Loves Wings"

When I fell in love, it was like I'd been given wings. I could fly into the heavens. I could touch the sky. I could soar through the clouds, laughing as they tickled my face. With the love wings, I was able to fly to places I'd never seen. I could do things I never thought possible. I was an angel. Love is a precious gift. The gift of flight on loves wings is it be cherrished and used freely. Love has left my life, my wings have been forcefully ripped from my body. I wasn't allowed to land on safe ground first. The wings were ripped away in mid flight, and I fell from the sky. When I hit the ground I was broken. Now I wander the earth, a wingless angel. Forced to walk on saddened feet. Battered and bruised of spirit. Without my love wings, life is not so wonderful. I am unable to go to those beautiful places. Unable to do those wonderful things. The gift of love was taken. One day, love will come again. It will come again on wings brighter, bigger and better than the ones I had before. I will once again fly. Higher than before, and to even better places. Next time love comes, I'll be ready. I will fly up, and touch God's face. I will thank Him for my life, my love and everything that I am. Until then, I will learn to walk with grace. So that when the time comes, I can fly like an angel.

"Woman"
Straining higher,
reaching out,looking for perfection.
Grasping hands,searching gazes,
looking for perfection.

Twisting here,
turning there,
looking for perfection.

Second glances,
sofly smiling,
accepting satisfaction.

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Yeah ok, enough introspection for one night.

Funny stuff

My Mom sent this to me years ago and I thought it was funny enough to re-post here.


Gentle Thoughts For The Day

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
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And my "Outback Steakhouse" philosophy of the day is..."I'm honest about my weight but I've started lying about my height." Hee hee

And now the end is near

And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear, I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life thats full.
I've traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this, I did it my way.
Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this, I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!
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Thanks Frank (Sinatra). That song just seems to fit my divorce situation. I have no regrets when I look back. I did my best and made some mistakes but like Frank says, too few to mention. I loved with my whole heart, I gave all I had to give. In the end, it wasn't enough but I'm proud to know that I gave my all. So from this point forward I am going to try and stop looking back at what I've lost, and try to look forward to what lies ahead and what I may gain.

John will always be in my heart and I really wouldn't want to change that. He was my prince when I needed one. I just didn't know when I kissed the frog, that his prince status would only be temporary. So onward and upward and may we both find what we're missing.

I'm a lousy blogger

But then, I don't really get read so I suppose it doesn't matter.

Work Stuff
1) Patrol sucks. Too many people don't take me seriously. I hate that.
2) I've been in two accidents, neither my fault. The first one involved a guy taking a corner without looking and he hit me. No real damage. The second one involved a drunk who backed into me. Again no real damage. But that bites anyway because it's time out of my night which puts me behind in my patrol duties.
3) One account in a bad neighborhood just got worse. They fired the maintenance guy. This is the guy I have been calling "my stalker" because he lurked everywhere when I was there locking up and just watched me. But he used to come tell me what he thought I needed to be doing until I finally stopped being polite. Now the boss and his son (my Captain) are having to work there ARMED during the day and yet they expect me to go in at NIGHT and lock up alone. That's been fun.
4) Same account, different problem. Hispanic men who have no respect for my authority. They won't leave the hot tub area or the indoor basketball court when I ask them to so I can lock up. It can take up to 10 minutes for them to leave. Stupid assholes!
5) Different account. Senior Citizens mostly. They get drunk and then don't want to leave when it's time to close up. Assholes!

Personal Life
Geez, just don't ask. It's a non stop trainwreck.

An Elaboration On My Chubby Chaser Comment

Just for Wendy!

From the time I was first getting interested in boys, I've been a chubby chaser. Though I wouldn't have known it was called that, at the time. My first crush was on Daniel Brown when I was 6 and he was 7. We were "Crushes" all through the elementary school age though we only saw each other during the summers at day camp. He was a chubby boy. In middle school it was Alan Thornhill my 8th grade year. He was dreamy (to me). Again, a chubby guy.

On tv I've always loved John Goodman. I wanted to marry him just so I could snuggle up to him like a teddy bear.

I married John for crying out loud. When I fell in love with him he was already about 400lbs (but at 6'4" he carried it well). 80lbs later and I'm not impressed anymore.

My point was this...even when I was a tiny thing...weighing in at a whopping 114lbs (pre children and depression), I liked the chubby boys. So...I'm a chubby chaser. Heck even down at the bar, the guy I totally crushed on (Adam) is a bit round in the middle.

Seven Shocking Secrets Revealed

So my friend expy had this on her blog and said if we read it, we have to do it. So I have to do it. Apparently I have to name seven random/weird things about myself.

(the rules)
1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog. (did this one)
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself. (yup, check)
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs. (Dunno how to do that one)
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog (Dunno 7 people to tage anyway)

Alright, here goes...

1. My littlest toes are half the size of the next one up and have almost no nail on them. They remind me of Herman (the red monster from Looneytunes) in the way they are shaped.
2. I love Bull Terriers (Spuds Mackenzie dog) and want to own a miniature one someday.
3. I prefer animals to humans and would actually rather hit a person than a deer.
4. I think if we have a death penalty then the judge/jury who sentences someone to death should be the only ones charged with carrying out the sentence.
5. I consider myself a Judeo-Christian since after all, Jesus was a Jew.
6. I'm apparently a chubby chaser.
7. I believe that my deceased furbaby Abbigail comes back to visit me.

Muddle muddle, toil and trouble. Cauldron boil and Cauldron bubble.

Yeah long title, I know. But it's been running through my head for days. It's so strange that as I grow more confident in my position in life, things get even weirder with John. I have GOT to blog more often.

For about a month now, John and I have been talking. He says he knows he messed up, that it was all he could do at the time. He was miserable and was just tired of being miserable and so he bailed, badly. Yep, duh. But now he says he loves me. After MONTHS of telling me he doesn't, now I'm supposed to believe those were lies and this is the truth. *Sigh* I'm too tired to figure it out anymore, you know? I love him too, he knows that. But without trust, love just isn't enough. So he's desperate to come "home" and I'm desperate for him to understand that my home isn't his home. He'll be done driving truck at the end of December and STILL hasn't talked to his folks to see if they'll take him in until he saves enough money for a place. I think he's convinced that I'll take him back. Well, I won't. Not like this, not now.

I like my independence. I like coming and going when and where I want, without having to bounce it off a husband. If I feel social, I can hit my bar and hang with my friends. Yep, I have my very own version of "Cheers" where everybody knows my name LOL. If I don't feel social I can stay at home and crochet, watch tv, read a book or play online. Again without having to talk it over with a husband. I like knowing that where my money goes, I put it. Even when I have no one but myself to be mad at for foolish spending, at least I know where it went and when it went there. I like fixing ONE meal at dinner because Alex and I will eat the same things. Sure, there are things I miss about having a husband here but....(Sorry Teresa) that's what BOB is for hahaha.

I dunno. I hate feeling like I'm going to hurt John. I am NOT a doormat but I am a fairly nice person and I just like for everyone to be happy. But this time, I'm NOT putting myself last.

Muddling Through

This is a picture of happiness. My girls, together. I love them dearly and I wish they could spend more time together. Seeing them like this makes me happy. Seeing Alex so happy makes me happier.

We're trying very hard to just make things as normal as possible, but it's hard with this divorce looming over our heads. John has done a fairly good job of playing me for a fool over the past few months and I bought it all, until now. I don't have anything left to give. There's nothing left but a giant void filled with grief, bitter tears and an overwhelming sense of loss. I'm just so sad things had to go this way, really very sad. Who expected it, oh probably everyone. I do have the pleasure of knowing that everyone thought I'd wise up and dump him. HA! Not that smart I guess.

The biggest catalyst to be finished was Alex. He's broken her heart for the last time and I wouldn't be any kind of mother if I continued to allow it to happen.

So we're muddling through as best we can. Prayers needed and appreciated.

Why can't I title my post?

Have a little time on my hands...

so I thought I'd blog a bit more. Why not, right? I also realized that this blog is about the only place I didn't post a picture of how I began to reclaim my identity. Here, take a look.

Yup, bye bye long hair HAHAHAHA

Well actually, I'm growing it back out a bit but this time I'm going to have layers instead of having it all one length and I'm not letting it grow as long. I kind of miss my curls a bit. We'll see. Currently it's in the weird grow out do I cut it or leave it alone stage.

Uhm, still singing kareoke. As a matter of fact I have a pretty decent group of friends that I have met through my kareoke bar. I don't drink or anything, just sing. It seems like those of us that can actually carry a tune have gravitated together into an awesome bunch. Hey hey, for the first time in my life I belong to the IN crowd. WHEEE!!! I'm having a blast where that is concerned. It's like my own little Cheers, where everybody knows my name and they're always glad I came.

Mas manana (more tomorrow).

General update

Alrighty, I figure it's time for an update.




Work-working 6 or 7 days (nights) a week. Busy busy bee, taking as many hours as they'll give me. I hate that I have no real days off, hate that I spend so much time away from home but I have to take care of my family alone now.





Personal-FINALLY to the point where I am NOT in love with John anymore. I actually saw him last night and thought, "YUCK! I married that?!?" So that's a huge step in the right direction.





Alex-Graduated 8th grade with honors, won herself a "Presidential Award" third year running. Go my girl, go!!! She's all attitude anymore, but with the divorce and all, I think it's normal. Plus her being nearly 14 doesn't help. Here's what I see daily...


Dogs-Skyler and Jesse are learning to get along. Jesse has all the appropriate instincts regarding respecting the alpha but Skyler has issues BEING alpha. This means that he ends up a bit more pushed around than he should be, though we're working on that.

Not much here but I'm tired. Just thought I'd let you know I am still alive LOL

Tagged

My friend Kat tagged me on her blog, so I'm supposed to tell you some stuff about me. I'd be more enthusiastic about it but right now, I'm tired and sad. But still, it's cool that she thought of me so I can't let her down, right? So here goes, ten things about me that you may not know...

1. My littlest toes have almost no nail. They remind me of baby chickens.
2. There's not an animal on this planet that I wouldn't pet, hug, or talk to.
3. My best friend in the whole world was a cat.
4. I talk to myself, even designing whole stories or conversations I wish I could have with people.
5. I think people who judge on physical appearances have weak minds.
6. I like most animals more than I like most people.
7. I'm not who people think I am.
8. I like vanilla yogurt better than just about anything else in the world.
9. Rice, tuna and ceasar dressing eating all mixed together, make me happier than sex.
10. I'm still in love with my husband.

So there ya go.

Forever changed

My life yesterday became forever changed. My husband filed for divorce. It came as a complete shock to me as he was still telling me he loves me. Just days, or maybe a week ago, he was talking about how he used to say he'd never get married again and just look at him now, happily married. Now he tells me that he hasn't been happy for a while now.

I'm wondering if it could be as simple as my not having sex with him the last time he came home. Maybe I made him feel bad somehow. Maybe it's not really about me at all. I don't know. I've spent 7 years of my life with this man. I thought I knew him. I thought he knew me.

As it turns out, we never really knew anything at all. Maybe something good will come out of this, maybe (I'm only saying it here dear blog) he'll change his mind and come home.

Memories are bittersweet.

I've been thinking this week, of things I did when I stayed with my Grandparents.

There was this tree that split about 5 feet from the ground from one trunk to two. It was a perfect split for an elementary schoolgirls bottom to fit in. I spent many hours in that tree reading books and day dreaming.

I remember going out to Grandma's garden with her to get fresh green onions. She grew them and they were always washed and the root ends cut off. Then she'd put them on a plate and put them on the table. It must have been every dinner they'd be there.

Grandma's sewing room used to have hippy beads instead of a door. In that room was a doll that I spent a lot of time playing with.

I remember bread and butter for snacks when I got home from school. The smell in the kitchen when Grandma cooked. Her laugh. It's breaking my heart that I am forgetting the sound of her laugh already.

I remember Grandpa's homemade bird houses and bird feeders and filling the feeders all the time. Hummingbirds coming into the house. The smell of salt water because they were within a couple block of the bay.

Grandpa was always quiet but ready to praise and hug.

I can't believe how much pain my heart is still in.

Tribute to my Grandparents.

Stan and Marge Jones, my Grandparents. I loved them more than anyone else on earth probably. They loved me without condition, without thought. They just loved me.

Gram left us on October 18, 2006. Grandpa left us on February 04, 2007. They would have celebrated thier 60th wedding Anniversary in March.

With Grandpa's passing an era has ended. My home is gone. I always thought home was where my Mom is. Nope, home was where my Grandparents were. I'll miss them so much. I love them so much. I hope that I can continue on the path that makes them proud.