So I've been thinking...

It's so hard for me to come up with interesting titles for these posts LOL.

First let's go over my weekend (work). I worked. Wow that was hard to cover huh? I talk on the phone, read my book, crochet and when I don't forget it, listen to the radio. Sundays are pretty busy for a while with rigs coming in and out. I like Mondays best though. The place I work is jumping all night long, the drivers LOVE me and there's an awsome wildcat that roams around. It's either a bobcat or a lynx. Big ol cat with an interesting coat, no tail, tufts at his (her?) ears. I LOVE IT!!!

Fathers Day was this weekend. I talked to my Dad and to my other dad too. First my dad. He's so funny. He says to me, "Thank you for taking the time to call me." HE'S MY FREAKIN' DAD! I like wouldn't call him. He's nuts LOL. When I spoke with the other dad, Richard, I was surprised at how many things we have in common in our political views. Religion, mmm not so much. He asked me if one had to believe that Jesus is the Son of God or is it simply enough to follow his teachings. But he used the word Christian. "Are you still a Christian if you follow His teachings. Is believing He is God's Son really the important part?" Of COURSE, otherwise you are a follower of Jesus, a Jesusian. Christians believe He is the CHRIST. What a bizzare way of thinking my father has.

Alex's dance festival is this weekend. Thank you Heavenly Father for getting us to this point. I'll probably be a parent volunteer, which will totally bite because I need to sleep so I can work Sunday. But they are having probablems with her wandering off. Last week they couldn't find her when everyone was loaded up to leave. She was busy chatting up a boy, she told her friend that she was about to "ask him out." UGH!!! Gonna have to have a discussion with her, big time.


So gonna be a problem having her look like this. She's too pretty. She's so nice and sweet and just a bit too boycrazy. I'm praying that she doesn't take this boy thing overboard. GRR.

Blog updates n stuph like that there...

Been busy working and adjusting to a new schedule. Well schedule isn't bad just long hours to get used to. I work two days (12 hrs, 10 hrs) and then follow those with a night shift (7hrs). The man that works during the week (not one of us but one of that company's employees) took our stuff. Wacko. He's got it locked away so we have to bring our own clipboards and we don't dare leave blank reports there because he'll take those too. Wacko. We had a "good" chair to sit in, so this guy lets his dog sit in it and the dog pees in it. Now all we have to sit in is a really beat up office chair that isn't set straight anymore and wobbles. My feet don't touch anything (damn my short legs) so by the end of the shift my back is aching something awful. I keep hoping it's just a matter of adjustment, you know?

The drivers are getting used to seeing me now on the day shift and I must say I LOVE Sundays because I'm busy busy, vs Saturday where NOTHING happens.

My Monday shift...those guys love me. They wish I could work there Sun-Thurs nights hehe. They don't like the doofus. I don't blame them. We got a new gal but she's not very proactive either. It frustrates me when people are satisfied with themselves when they only do the minimal requirments. I have to do my best. Anything less is NOT ok.

So I've got four little afghans crocheted for doggies. I'm pondering finding a little pet boutique that might let me sell them there (besides the ones I've already donated to the shelter). If I could sell them for say...$25 then I could give the boutique $5 each blanket, so it's worth thier time too. I'm hoping the gal that runs the weiner rescue will let me sell them in her shop. She has an antique shop and a dachshund boutique. My blankies are perfect for dachshunds. Just ask Skyler. he tests each one for me LOL.

Dull as dishwater?

I really need to come up with something interesting or at LEAST commentable. Am I dull as dishwater or what?

Saturday I start a new shift, 6am to 6pm and then Sunday 6am to 4pm and then Monday 7pm to 2am. I'll hold that through the rest of the summer and then when my bowling alley hours start back up I'll do Friday nights 6p-2am and Saturdays 8p-2a. Then I think I'll pick up Sunday nights at the one place as well as the Monday night shift. That will give me 28 hours, just one less that my summer hours. YAY! I'm also going to be asking for a raise, at least back up to where I was when I left this company SEVEN YEARS ago.

I've been singing kareoke on Wednesday nights. The boss invites John and I out just about every Wednesday night for singing, it's almost getting to be fun. I love the boss's wife which is weird because she always used to make me uncomfortable because she's so polished. So far I have sung...

"Landslide" Dixie Chicks version. That flopped.
"Love Can Build A Bridge" The Judds. Not bad, not great.
"Could I Have This Dance" Anne Murray. People got up and danced but I haven't sang it again yet.
"Love Remains" Colin Raye. I sang it well but my boss says the song is sad.
"Annie's Song" John Denver. By far the best recieved.

How come I can sing well but yet it doesn't come across that way with Kareoke all the time? How come I care that I may sound bad when there are people that get up there and sound like sick cats? I dunno.

I've got three afghans ready for the animal shelter and a fourth one about 2/3 done. It gives me something to do, right?

The biggest issue right now, Skyler. His front legs are crooked and it seems like they are starting to bother him now. He licks at them a lot more now and whimpers a bit. We're taking him in to the vet for a check-up next week and maybe X-rays depending on what the vet says. We can't afford surgery but we'll think of something. He can walk and doesn't have a gait issue that we've noticed so maybe they'll just treat him with whatever pet version of "Tylenol" is. But it's a bit scary so say lots of prayers for our Bubba. His personality has really changed lately too, he's quieter and almost seems depressed. Since John has been home he's gotten re-attached to his Daddy and is REALLY a daddy's boy. Which of course bothers me because I want him to still be my boy. *Sigh* Makes me sad. Especially when he doesn't want to play with me when John's not home. He'll lay in my lap, but not play.

Uhm. Hrm. Guess that is it for now.

Oh my aching....everything!

I've been busy since I got up at a 9am this morning. I had to go pay bills all over town (I like to walk in my payments vs phoning them and using my card or sending a check). Then I had an eye doctors appointment. His name is Tim. I didn't have to call him Dr. (insert last name here). He said, "Hi I'm Dr. (insert name here) but please call me Tim." Gonna take John to see him! Got some new glasses, yay! I didn't finish the errand parts of my day until around 3pmish. Then I got some groceries, dropped them off and left again to pick up my glasses.

After getting home and eating dinner, Alex and I went out to find some pants and shoes for her (still need to find shoes, couldn't find any today). We also went and picked up some flowers. So now I feel so much more...better. Flowers make me happy.

I've also done some deep soul searching in regards to getting a new kitten. John said it was ok to get one and I was good and ready to do it. Then I thought of the birds. It's not fair to them, a new kitten or to Alex. The birds would have to be shut in her room so the kitten couldn't get to them. If they are out and kitty goes after them, then kitty gets in trouble and birds get scared. So I'll wait until the birds are gone and Skyler is a bit older...then get a new kitty or puppy. I feel ok with the decision because it was MINE and not influenced by anyone elses opinion.

I'll end this with a picture of my favorite flowers. I love Geraniums and Cyclamin. I found that Cyclamin at the Grocery store, of all places. $10 and it's HUGE!!!

Today is Armed Forces Day

I just watched a special on HBO with families of fallen soldiers. They read letters and shared pictures of thier sons and daughters, husbands, sisters and brothers. I just and cried. Selfishly really because while my heart mourned for them, I sat praying that my family would be spared that pain. My brother Travis is over there in Iraq...again. This is his third trip to that God forsaken piece of dirt. I say God forsaken because I think it is. I think those people have forgotten who God is. I don't think that anyone who had true faith and love in God could do what those horrible "insurgents" do. But then I must remember, they don't believe in God. They believe in some ALLAH who they think would respect and admire that they take lives in His name.

Travis would be ashamed of me for saying this but...I think we should just blow the entire pile of dirt to hell and let God sort out the good from the bad. Not very Christian of me, but I'm so afraid. If we don't stop them, all of them, they'll come here again. I'm afraid for my brother. Eventually those stupid people will figure out that if they want to disable us down there, disable the aircraft. In order to disable the aircraft, they'd have to take out the places where the aircraft refuel and get repaired. I know my brother is in one of those places. He's an aircraft mechanic. Those helicopters that swooped in and allowed for the rescue of Jessica Lynch? Those were his.

Travis is my brother and for most of my life I admired him, looked up to him and held him above all others in my family. It wasn't hard, because my whole childhood I was always asked why I couldn't be more like him. He was "the good child". The rest of us were always lacking something. I'm smarter now and grown up and I know that he's just as imperfect as the rest of us. It makes him more real I guess. I'll worry about him until he's out of the military. I figured he'd have to go over there once but then he'd be ok. Now, on this third trip, I am far more worried than ever before.

I pray that because Travis is over there, perhaps God will spare my other brother from having to go over again. My Mom has had so much hurt and pain in her life, most of which was caused by us kids (sorry Mom). I think God should spare her this pain that I watched other mothers go through.

I still support our troops. I love our troops. I know they are doing what they've been ordered to do and will be held blameless in the eyes of God. But I don't believe in this war.



I love you big brother! (He's the light haired guy. The other one is his friend Frog. We love Frog too.)

Diary of a TV drama junkie

Ok so I watch a few drama's on TV. To be fair that's really ALL I watch. This is my "must see" list.

Crossing Jordan (I get bummed when I miss one)
CSI (Mmmmmm Grisom)
Law & Order SVU (Mmmmm Stabler)
Charmed (though it IS about time they end it, especially since they took mega-hunk Brian Kraus "Leo" off.)
ER (not as much though since Noah Wylie "Carter" is gone)
Without A Trace (took ER's place for me this season)

Then there are the "reality tv" shows.

Survivor (HAHAHAHA LAME TERRY DIDN'T WIN!!!!!)
Amazing Race (YAY BJ AND TYLER!!! HIPPIE POWER!!!)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand for the summer....Last Comic Standing. Gotta love it love it!

I missed the season enders for Crossing Jordan and Without A Trace but I'll catch them in re-run. But I got the season ender for CSI and ER (Charmed is Sunday).

CSI-So glad to see them FINALLY put Gil and Sarah together. Glad to see that Brass is staying too and didn't die tonight.

ER-I hate thier habit of cliffhanger endings, truely getting old.
*SPOILER ALERT* I checked online to see what the next season would start with, seeing as how tonight ended with Jerry on the table with a gunshot wound and not doing too well, Luka still intubated and tied to a bed (compliments of a couple escape prisoners one of whom just HAPPENS to be Sam's ex Steve. Who of course takes her AND his son as hostages. Dumb story line there), But biggest of all, we see Abby dizzy, then doubled over in pain, slide her hand down (like checking to see if her water broke) and bringing her hand back up covered in blood. Then we see Luka watching her through the window as he struggles to get free, and he sees the blood, her hand touches the window and drags down as she falls unconcious, to the floor.

So if you don't want to see how next season starts, don't read any farther than this....




























Jerry is in surgery following his gunshot wound. Luka is with Abby when she delivers the baby. (Here's the suck part)...Let's just say things DON'T go so after the birth.

I swear if they kill off ANOTHER baby (like Carter's son...remember?) I am going to scream. Hopefully I'm not the only one who thinks this way. I WANT to see Luka and Abby have thier baby and get married and be happy. There's been enough infanticide in the script and enough death (Who's lame ass monkey idea was it to kill off Michael? Neela deserves some happiness too, geez. Now it looks like they got that rock and roll poindexter dumbass sniffing her skirts.)


Ok, I watch too much tv. Off to crochet now.

Two steps forward, three steps back..

So I get assigned this new site, more hours. Of course my body hates it but my mind was at ease about finances for once. Ah well some employee needs hours. A guy. Doesn't matter that this guy got canned from the bowling alley for not doing his job and that our company actually lost an account because, "he didn't get of the car often enough". Nope, he's been with the company longer so he gets senority. Whatever. Back to the drawing board.

Tonight was going fine, until the "manager" of the account showed up. He was upset because I didn't have the gate locked. I wasn't told that the gate needed to be locked when I was the on the property. I appologized, told him it wouldn't happen again but that I didn't know it was supposed to be locked, and then I locked the gate. Not 15 minutes later another guy shows up. He gets out of his truck and comes to the gate, fuddles with the lock. I could tell he was having problems with the lock (it's a crappy lock), so I got out to help him. What did I get? Here let me replay it for ya.

Him- Did you lock this gate?
Me- Yes Sir, I did.
Him- Why?
Me- (point to managers car) Because he told me to.
Him- Grumbles for a moment. This is bullshit.
Me- I'm sorry Sir, but it's what he said.
Him- No, I mean having the gate locked like this, it's bullshit. Can you see these numbers?
Me- Yes Sir, I'll unlock it for you.
(unlocked the gate) I opened up the one side of the gate so he could pull his pickup through. He opens the other side of the gate. Confusing me of course.
Me- Uhm. So, I have to lock the gate again behind. Because He said that the gate is to be locked at all times after business hours unless a driver (truck yard) is in the yard.
Him- That's shit!! Leave it open, there are more guys coming soon.

Thankfully a big rig pulled up and took the gate issue away. It was time for me to leave and there was now a driver in the yard. Gate stays open while driver is in the yard. Needless to say I have to call my boss in a couple hours.


John then informs me that *I* need go pay insurance today AND get the tags renewed on my car. So I'll be up until like 10 or 11, when I have to get sleep and by awake by 6pm. Nice huh? F*cker!

New hours at work...meh!

Well the guy that worked a local site here for our company was diagnosed with a brain tumor and decided to spend what time he has left with his family. So I'm picking up some hours. I'm not thrilled because I don't like pain, and working longer hours brings pain. The up side is that I'm by myself so I can't offend anyone or say the wrong thing. Plus the boss gets a kick out of the fact that I naturally work HARDER than I have to. Though he says I need to knock it down a notch so the other officers don't look bad. See, I'll be doing very simple tasks. I have to check some things, document if they are full or empty (I think it's just busy work so the client sees paperwork and knows we did SOMETHING). Then the rest of the night I just write down who comes and goes. Last two times I did this I saw FOUR whole people. But...I document things very precisely. John says, "Anal retentively." But that's what I do.

Shrug, we'll just have to see how this works out.

Sadness of the heart.

The halls of my mind are haunted,
by demons of deeds from the past,
Thier terrible forms chasing me,
I'm tormented by the shadows they cast.

I pray each day for a compassionate God,
One of understanding and abiding love.
For only He can free my soul,
when my time comes to rise above.

Freedom from torment and heartache,
Is all I've ever wanted,
and perhaps finally to be at peace,
by no more shadows to be haunted.

I believe my heart to be loving,
under all the anger and pain,
I deeply crave and hunger to be delivered,
let God's love fall on me like rain.

Being twisted inside with guilt,
is no way for me to live,
Praying and and hoping desperately,
That God will indeed forgive.
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I often wonder about my spiritual future. There are things in my past that I am deeply ashamed of, things I wonder if God can forgive. We all have things we're ashamed of, lies told, perhaps something small stolen in our youth, maybe drugs or alcohol. I used drugs in my youth, I had premarital sex, I've lied and cheated on boyfriends. The thing that weighs most heavily on my soul...an abortion on March 1, 1996. I'm still fairly positive it was my one chance for a son. Does it matter to God that I was afraid? Does it matter that I honestly believed my mother might take away my sweet toddler daughter? I'm not sure that any excuse or reason could be good enough. What will matter, I am afraid, is that I would do this horrible thing to someone He loved so deeply. I was baptized when I was 19, so my soul cannot be cleansed of this sin so easily. It haunts me daily.

Then when I lash out angrily at structured religion (the current church of choice is LDS), does that tarnish my soul further? When I say that sometimes I feel like God owes me something, am I condemning myself to hell? It just seems to me sometimes, just sometimes, that having lived through physical and deep emotional abuse from a parent, molestation and rape from a sibling...maybe I've paid my dues.

I'm bi-polar and tormented with some deep seated anxiety that has me constantly paranoid that I've done something wrong at work, that when I go out and people see me that they are disgusted by what they see (how selfish must I be that I assume EVERYONE is looking at me?). I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing a disturbing darkness. I want to be the kind of person who can be happy and active and a good wife and mother, instead of this THING. I suppose some people would say I'm deeply disturbed and they are probably right. But I struggle on. Obligations you know. I have to raise my daughter to adulthood. I hope to raise her so that she can become something far better than what I am.

I know why I am sad lately. It's May. Next month my firstborn turns 14. I haven't seen her except in a single picture, in almost two years. I miss her. I've missed her for almost 14 years. Have you ever had a decision YOU'VE made haunt you that long? While giving her up was best for her, I can't help but to notice how different I became after. No more sunny disposition. No more easy affection. No more me. I became someone completely different after. It's not fair either. My birthmother is the same. She even says so, Gran says so, my other family members who've known her before and after say so. She was sad for a bit, but is basically the same KIND of person she was before. I guess that's part of why I resent her so much. I guess I think, if she loved me as deeply as I loved my baby...she'd be different too.

I hate this. I just want to be happy. I want to feel like I can succeed. I can't though. I'm facing taking over my husbands full time position and him taking my part time one. This makes me angry at him because HE is supposed to be the provider. But more importantly instead of being excited by the challenge, I can only wonder how long it will be before I screw this up too. Before I fail.

I want to live a long life. I don't want the world to end, or my life to end, before I've seen my babies grown into happy successful women with families of thier own. But...it hurts somewhere deep and hidden, when I think I could live into my late years...like this.
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On a forum that I belong to, a person posted about welfare mothers. They pretty much lumped them all into the same group and wanted help writing a poem about it. This poem was to be entitled "Shameful Garden". I saw everyone's responses and how angry they all were at "Welfare mothers". One person even called the children of these women, "Unwanted bastards". It made me angry to see all women on public assistance judged the same, when there ARE some good women just trying to get a little hand up, not a hand out. So I wrote my own version of "Shameful Garden".

"Shameful Garden"

In an open field,
where beauty is grown,
there is a shameful garden,
where seeds of hate are sown.

Where judgements are cast,
and all are found lacking,
where heartworn blossoms,
are often judged slacking.

Not every flower,
is poisoned with waste,
but beauty cannot be seen,
If just glanced at in haste.

All flowers can grow,
just give them some room.
A little assistance,
and the strong ones will bloom.

For each ugly weed,
there's a fine flower,
Dig out the weeds,
and give the bloom power.

A little love can heal,
all wicked hearts,
stop judging these flowers,
you angry old farts!"

Feeling down but not sure why...

I feel sort of down. John is having issues doing his job. Physically it is getting too difficult for him to do all the walking that is involved and he's begun to tell me that he needs to be doing my job and I need to just take over his. I can't physically keep up with the demands of his job. Hell my knee cries and my lungs ache just trying to do the ONE paper drop for him that requires walking up three flights of stairs, dropping off paperwork, then going down those stairs, walking across to the OTHER stairwell and climbing three flights of stairs to do drop paperwork on that side. It's all very frightening for me because if he seriously can't work anymore I already know how long it takes to get disability crap going.

His feet are giving out on him. I fully believe it's because he weighs 490lbs and they just can't take the weight anymore. But yet he eats and eats and eats. He eats 4 sandwiches in one sitting and thinks that is ok. He drinks two liters of pop in a shift. He doesn't check his blood sugar, he doesn't take his pills. I can't do ANYTHING about it and I feel so helpless. He's also starting to become more domineering. Things MUST be his way. We're getting the new sofa tomorrow but need to get the current one OUT. So I said if the new one came before this one was taken out, that we could just store this one in the garage. He said "NO, we'll keep it in the apartment." There's hardly room in the living room as it is because his stuff is spread out all over on one side, we have a table and two chairs in the other for Alex to eat at and do her homework and then there is the entertainment center and Skyler's round chair. But he's adament that this one will NOT go into the garage. He also said that it could NOT be taken out by my friends until AFTER the new sofa is here. Well beggars can't be choosers and the only time my friend had available to come pick up this sofa was noon. Couch is scheduled to be here sometime between 11:30 and 2. I told John that unless he had a better way of getting rid of this sofa, then he just has to deal with the arrangements I made.

I think I'm unhappy because he has me doing all the bill paying, but yells at me if something doesn't go right (currently pissed off at me because my tags are expired on the car but I paid the more important bills...like electricity). I had to figure out what to do with the current sofa, he wasn't interested in trying and just said, "You deal with it. I'm happy just keeping it in here." IT SMELLS!!! John isn't the most hygenic person in the world and his side of the sofa smells like dirty, sweaty manbits. I'm so embarrassed about it that I won't let anyone sit on his side when we have guests. I spray Febreeze on it daily. It's broken down on his side too and can't recline anymore. Time for it to go to our local "waste recycling center". They'll take it, dismantle it, burn what is burnable and actually reuse any metal pieces that they can.

I keep looking around me, thinking about where I am (emotionally, physically, economically) and wondering how I ended up here. I had goals and ambitions once. Now I just feel trapped in some sort of suckwagon life with no way out...and I did it to myself. I'm poor, I'm fat, my hair is falling out, I need a back surgery we can't afford, a surgery because I'm prolapsing or collapsing someplace I shouldn't be and I'm married to a man who has no inclination towards taking care of himself...the only bright spot I see right now is the one thing that keeps me plugging along. My daughter. She's my life and I'll keep going and doing my best because she deserves every effort on my part. She's beautiful and brilliant (good looking genes on the sperm side and smart genes on mine) and I WILL do everything I can to help her become whatever it is that she is destined to be.

The most boring job on the planet

I used to think I'd had boring jobs until tonight. This post I worked tonight and have to work again next Sunday to pay off John's loan from the boss...SUCKS! Here let me detail my night for you.

I get there and the gate is locked. Can't get John on the phone so I have to wait for him to show up. He doesn't have the code, has to call the boss. We get in the gate. John tells me what I am supposed to do and shows me how to get into the restroom (locked with coded lock), then he leaves.

I go around the back of the truck yard and write on my report the number of each trailer and whether or not it's full. This takes about a half hour.

Park car at front end of yard. This is all done by 8pm. I don't see ANYONE until nearly 11pm. Between 10:30p and midnight I see a total of FOUR trucks come into the yard hauling triple trailers. They each come in, drop ONE trailer and then leave. All this is finished by midnight. I see NO ONE ELSE until just before my shift is over when an employee of the truck yard arrives for work. I finish my paperwork and put it through the door. Shift over.

Thank God for the tv station I can pick up on the radio, and my books.

Sitting for that long, even with the short little jaunts out of the car, has caused my low back to just ache like crazy. It's this wierd pressure like sticking two suction cups together then trying to pull them apart. That's what my lower back feels like.

Here we go again...

My husband, while I do love him, is the laziest man I've ever met. He's even started using Alex on the weekends to do parts of his job for him. Well now here it is after 5am, when he should be home but where he is? He's been bullshitting with this guy he met a week or so ago, since around 3am. He's still got ALL his unlocks to do AND a final hotel walk through. It's now past his shift and nothing is done. Not to mention this is the second time this shift that he's sat around with this guy. Then he had the nerve to ask if I'd help him with his unlocks.

Ten to one he loses his job, again. When he got fired from this company several years ago, his socializing on the job was a HUGE part of it.

Identifying triggers and other personal bullshit

It's been a rough night. Hell it's been a rough nearly 24 hours.

First that whole drinking thing left me sick to my stomach and then some. Then we found out from our boss's son that our manager came out today and yelled at him. He'd come to deliver our paychecks (something he doesn't have to do) and she yelled at him because his CLASSIC CAR is too loud. She said he has to park by the office and walk back here because of the noise his car makes. But he didn't stay, he literally drove here, Alex ran out and got our checks and he left. I spoke with her and she fed me this line about how people were coming out see what was shaking thier windows. Sorry but at 4pm there is literally like 4 people here besides management and us. If people don't come running out to see what shakes thier windows when the fire department students drive here in thier old fire truck, or when people have had medical emergencies that have brought the FD and paramedics...then I doubt they came running out to see what shook thier windows when B came here. More like Dayle didn't like the noise and decided to yell at B just because. She does stuff like that. I know, I've been in the office and seen it. I've also heard her make up lies about how other tenants are bothered by this that or the other. Now I get to talk to the GM tomorrow because Dayle has NEVER taken issue with anyone else over this. She even went as far as to ask me, "So if someone's window is cracked now because of his car shaking the windows, who's supposed to pay for it?" OMFG!!! I suppose I'd better go check every window from here to B's house to count the cracked windows huh?

I called my prescription refills request in at Wal-Mart this evening. I actually spoke to a PERSON because I didn't have the bottles in front of me. Still, I told her exactly what I needed refilled (ALL FOUR PRESCRIPTIONS THERE YA DUMB BROAD), and I had her repeat it to me. I get to the pharmacy...they filled 3 prescriptions. Where's the fourth one? Ohhh apparently I didn't ask for it refilled but they'll do it now. I told her that I talked to a person who repeated ALL FOUR back to me. Whatever. This is the entire reason I take medication now. I got so angry (always internalized) that I started shaking. Not a reaction normal people have, but hey...I'm not normal.

I'm talking to Diana about stuff, the meds, the manager issue etc...and she keeps asking me, "Are you having an episode?" Or saying, "Boy you are wound up tonight, just relax." Finally I had to ask her, "Is me being this way going to be a problem for you because I don't feel like going to sleep right now and that's what taking a second klonopin is going to do." OY! No shit I'm having an anxiety/BP episode. GAH!!! Then she starts talking all this technical computer crap she's dealing with at work when she KNOWS I can't follow that very well on a normal day. She got offended when I said, "I'm not following this, you're confusing me." GRRR!!

You people (my net buds) are so lucky you don't have to deal with me on a daily basis when I'm off meds (been out since Monday or Tuesday). I so can't handle stuff very well. That's the whole reason I decided to medicate in the first place. I'm just absolutely tense and short tempered right now. Geez it's got my back in knots. Gonna go take a flexeril and my other meds. Be right back to share the GOOD stuff.

My last day at the bowling alley is tonight. SUCK!!! Alex and I will be going bowling tomorrow though for the Extreme bowling...as long as the money is there for it.

Good news. Hell GREAT NEWS!!! Alex was tested for the TAG (Talented And Gifted)Program. Her results are in. She scored an 82 in her combined results. That means she scored higher than 82% of the the students in her grade NATIONWIDE!!! Every test produced results that were either, above average or....WELL ABOVE AVERAGE!!!! My baby girl is really really SMART!!! I'm totally proud of her, and hell...totally proud of me. John said that I have to take some credit for teaching her good study habits and encouraging her in scholastic activities. I dunno...I just say YAY GENES!!!

Last day of work, car woes and other stuff

So my last day at the bowling alley until September is Friday. *SIGH* I didn't even get the whole weekend, just one lousy day. I'm actually sad about this. I rather like the night staff there and TWO of them won't be there in September because they'll be off to college (high school seniors). But...Alex and I are going to the "Extreme" bowling Saturday night. I figure it won't hurt to let her stay up until 1:30pm LOL. I've been dying to bowl there for Extreme and because I worked it, couldn't. I can't wait!!! Hopefully my favorite regulars will be there, Howard will be for sure. Howard is a darling older gentleman who is mentally impaired. He does the Extreme bowling EVERY Friday and Saturday night. Now get this, Extreme starts at 11:30pm, but he gets there at like 9pm just to be sure he gets a lane. The other regulars are Chris and Debbie (a couple) and I'll miss them like crazy. I'm hoping to get thier phone number because I'd really like to hang out with Debbie some time.

Car woes. John's car went in for repairs AGAIN! It cost $80, lucky to be that low. But the boss has a friend who worked for Ford, Lincoln, Mercury for 20+ years and he gives us a discount since he now works out of his home. But get this...

The boss wrote a personal check to John to cover the cost of the repairs. That's how they usually do it, and then John just works off the debt. BUT!!! John's not working off this debt, I AM!!! Yah, I'm pissed. John decided that since I "have the time" that it'd just be easier if I did it. So I'll work the next two Sundays for the boss, and I net $40 out of the deal. The check was for $140 (we thought it'd be $100 for the car) which works out to be just over what I would earn on the books for that job. So...I make $40. Woo-hoo.

Ooops, bad blogger, bad bad blogger

Sorry, I've been....busy?

Work is sad. Each weekend that has gone by since I found out my post there ends on the 29th has been sort of a downer. I don't want to leave, the night guy doesn't want me to leave but we don't make the contracts. Hopefully I'll be able to go back there in September. Meanwhile I just have to pray there is somewhere else for me to go. Sounds like I'll be working in a town about 20 minutes up the highway, at night, ALONE, for 12 hours, two shifts. F*CK!!! The 14 hours I'm working right now are physically taxing on my body. Every work night I come home with my left shoulder (front and back) aching and sending pain down into my elbow. Probably just how I'm carrying my stress, but it sure feels like something I'm doing aggrevates an old injury.

It's prom season. I really wish I'd have taken my camera with me tonight. There was a girl there wearing a red dress. It was cut like a dress you'd see on a Tango dancer, only higher. You know, long down the one leg but cut up so that the other side ends somewhere just below vagina level. She looked like a slut. I'm sure she's probably a terribly nice girl (though I doubt a really NICE girl would dress like that). I commented, "You must have a really nice Mom." She asked, "Why?" So I told her, "No way in hell would my daughter be allowed out of the house in a dress like that." She said, "I'm an exchange student, my Mom's in Germany so I can wear what I want." Way to go American host parents. Ten to one when her mother sees the pictures, she has a fit. Another thing...what's with all the strapless gowns on busty young ladies? The small breasted girls had NO PROBLEMS with thier dresses. But the large busted girls were constantly tugging the tops of thier dresses up. My, that's how I want to spend a night out, adjusting my dress every five seconds.

I had a guy get in my face tonight because I asked him to take his conversation somewhere else. He and a friend are standing in the entry way as families are leaving (a Mother and two small girls in particular) and every other word out of this guys mouth was "F*ck". It was offensive to that mother and to me, so I told him to take it somewhere else. He got all anal about how there's no profanity sign posted and how it's after 11pm (wasn't even 10pm yet, guess who'd been drinking). Oh and that at this time of night it's an all adult establishment, because there's a bar there. Whatever. I told him, "Look, put on your big boy underwear and take it somewhere else, or leave." When I told the night manager that later (making sure they hadn't complained about me) he busted up laughing.

Yesterday a hispanic truck driver who wanted to park his rig in the lot (after being told NO well over 6 times since January) called me a bitch to whomever he was talking to on the phone (I'd told him to leave). Then he ran over the curb LOL. As I helped him pull chunks of the curb out from between his tires so that he could leave I said, "I'm not a bitch, I'm doing my job." So he got this look on his face, said, "Oh you heard that? Sorry". Yah whatever. So then he gets back in the truck, still on the phone (hands free mic) and prattles on and calls me a PUTA. So I said, "I'm not a PUTA either." He said, "You speak spanish? Sorry." Finally I'd had enough of this asshole so I said, "Si, pendeho, yo hoblo espanol. Adios cavrone." I'm sure I slaughtered the spelling there. Asshole.

Anyway, enough about work. I've got a good buzz going from my meds so it's time to go to bed. I have to get up at 10am (almost 4am now). Going up to Portland to hunt for parking so I can meet a couple people and try to find someplace to eat. I'm a little frustrated that they've been up there for a couple days and haven't managed to find a restaurant for me to meet them at. Parking in Portland is a bitch!

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night

NIGHT FROM HELL!!!

Tonight started crappy from the minute I walked into work. I get jumped on by the CM (the main boss there) because I haven't been filling out activity reports. I didn't know they expected me to. Then I get jumped on for not writing an incident report about something that happened last Saturday. Uhh, dunno exactly what happened because I get called in by T. only to have E. tell me that he's got it under control. Kind of a short IR to write huh?

So I call John who calls our boss (The actual OWNER of our company, who loves John). John calls me back and says that our boss said that writing activity reports and incident reports isn't something that is in the contract. Well the last guy wrote reports. Apparently he'd made them up himself on his computer because there were NEVER any report sheet issued by our company. Oh fine. PAH! So I get told to tell the CM to call the owner of our company on Monday to discuss paperwork. Then the CM tells me (The bombshell), "Yeah I have to call him Monday anyway. We only use security from September until the end of April, when we have leagues. I need to remind him that we don't need security past the 28th and 29th." FUCK! Unless some miracle occurs, I'm out of a freaking job.

We so don't need this right now. We're barely making it as it is.

The rest of the night just spiralled straight into hell. A "bi-sexual" (see I already know way more about her than I need to), got her nose out of joint because some guy called her a carpet muncher. She's drunk and she's screaming at this one guy, but he's not the one that said it apparently. So instead of just blowing her off, he comes running out of the bowling alley and says, "You want to talk to me like a man and act like a man, I'll treat you like one you fucking bitch." Nice. So I get that settled. Then I had a guy come roaring into the bowling alley in his huge monster truck, and when I told him to leave (reckless driving, speeding and generally being a dick get you kicked off the property) his passenger starts giving me a hard time. Geez I am only doing my job you ass hat! Then some kids showed up that had a problem with D, a really sweet guy at work. They poured soda pop all over his car.

To top the night off I got a nose bleed. Well no, scratch that. I got TWO nose bleeds. One came just after the turn the lights out for "Extreme Bowling" and the other came just as the lights came back on...so about two hours apart. Geez!

Fucking SSD people think I'm fully capable of handling my job. Yeah, that's why I wanted to take Mz "Bi sexual" and Mr "Wanna talk like a Man" and bash thier heads together repeatedly until thier brains oozed out. K, yeah. I'm fine.

Scuze me whilst I go medicate the shit out of myself.

Go speed racer....

right on back out the way you came. Yep, you heard me you sorry ass drunk piece of crap MINOR. *flexes muscles* "But there were puddles, I couldn't help it. I had to speed through them." Blah blah blah I don't want to hear your shiznit, just leave.

Ah to be able to talk that way would have been great! Instead it sounded more like...

Me-You might as well get back into your vehicle.
Them-Why?
Me-Because that's the way the boss wants it. He says that if you'll act like a jerk out here in the lot, speeding and not watching for people or kids, then you'll more than likely be a jerk inside and they don't need your business.
Them-Serious? It was the puddles man, I had to do it.
Me-It's the boss man, you gotta go.

Then their buddy comes out of the bowling alley to find out why his "homies" can't come in.

Him-Can't you just pretend they didn't do it?
Me-Sorry not my style. Even if I wanted to, I'm not about to do it with my supervisor sitting right there. (John was visiting me for a few minutes. Technically since he WAS on duty at the time, he IS my immediate supervisor).
Him-Where?
Me-Uhh, see the nice white car with the pretty lightbar on top and the mean looking man sitting behind the steering wheel? That'd be him.
All three guys-Ohhhh shit. Sorry.

Ahhh the joys of my job. John ended up having to drive over to thier vehicle to help "encourage" thier departure. Then he had to go up to the entrance because they'd decided to park in the driveway to wait. He's so big and scary. Cough.

I call them mellow yellow.....

Yep, that's right. My magic little pills that make everything easier to manage. I still get the mood swings but they aren't these HUGE monsters. ALREADY a noticed change, I likey much! My swearing came back for a while but is gone. See I get relaxed and I forget to watch my mouth. But the euphoric phase of the medication is fading a bit and I'm starting to feel more in touch. Bummer. I see how people could get "addicted" to these. Of course anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in addiction. I believe addiction is a cover up for poor self control and lousy will power. For YEARS I heard, "Your addicted to smoking." Toss off wankers I was not, I simply LIKED smoking. Me and my Marlboro Menthol Ultra Light 100's (in a box) were buddies. Smoking gave me an excuse to go outside and get away from whatever was going on. Escaping parenting and partnering. Smoking was fun to do while driving, though I never managed the left handed smoking them. I miss smoking. There's a whole social group that I used to fit with but don't anymore because I'm one of those "gasp" reformed smokers. Nah, I'm not reformed, just tired of the crap from Mom, John and Alex. So I quit, gosh I think it's been TWO YEARS since I stuck a cig butt between these lips, or close to it. Geez. *takes a moment*
****************************
Ok Moment is over, back to what I was saying.

These little pills put my brain in a funky groovy space. Kind of like how I think pot does with potheads. You know that shit happens, but who gives a rats ass. Yah, that feeling. Case in point. Took my pills. About two hours later I realized my husband wasn't going to have a parking space if I didn't move my car into the garage. So I get in my car and back it over to the garage. Garage light is burned out. Bummer. I try backing into the dark garage and am only successful in *SMACK* wiping the passenger side mirror dealy clean off the car. My response? "Well shit. Oh well, I'll get it fixed later." Before the mellow yellows..."Oh my God. Look what I did! Oh I suck! What am I going to do? John's going to kill me! How am I supposed to fix this? Can I fix it myself and hide it? Crap should I leave the car in the garage until he's gone? *tears, hysterics* Hell even when John got home while I was using MASKING TAPE to put the mirror back up I just sort of cried a little. Why? "Honey look what I did, I broke my cars arm. She's gonna hate me now or something." He just laughed, then I laughed. Then the next day $135 later, new mirror. Oh btw, I SO did a killer job with the masking tape. That mirror didn't so much as wiggle all the way to the dealership. HAHAHA take that manly men who think only they can fix things!

Hooray for mellow yellow!

Blast from the past

When I was in middle school I had friends. Not just any friends, the BEST friends. There were five of us in the 7th grade, tight as could be. Marlene, Charlene, Maryjean, Lisa and myself. Often times one pair would get in a little tiff and so our dynamics would change for a bit, but we were "The Five". In eighth grade we weren't a unit anymore but I was still friends with them and considered them all to be my very best friends...especially Marlene, Lisa and Maryjean.

Well as an adult I found them again (those three). Lisa and I talk on the average at least once a week. We get together when we can but her daughter is in 90238409765 different things and that keeps them pretty busy. Marlene never answered any of my e-mails. Maryjean did for a while and then things just sort of stopped.

Tonight MJ showed up at the bowling alley. I recognized her right away, she looks pretty much the same. Which of course makes me feel like shit. I'm fat, my hair is thinning and my face is all broken out thanks to mother nature. She looks the SAME!! She's still slightly heavy but not much (I totally have waist envy, she has one...I don't). She looks so good!!! The only thing I don't remember is glasses, I don't think she wore glasses back then. She's got a young daughter too. Well I gave her a card with my name, number, e-mail and address. I doubt she'll call though. I got the impression by how she was interacting with me around her friends, that she's something of a snob now. Still, it was nice to see her.

I really miss my friends. Those are the only two years I'd be willing to repeat. Even though they were the years where the abuse from my Mom started getting much worse and I was miserable at home...it's the ONLY time in my life as a kid where I had real friends.

The Legend Of Drunken Bastard...

I think this thing is going to turn into a blog about my work. Every weekend something happens that I feel the need to talk out.

Yesterday was great, nice and slow. Sort of a letdown because we were expecting a large group of teenagers fresh off a drunken party but apparently they either got too drunk, or didn't party at all. There were all of 30 people there for the night bowling. Nice and calm.

Tonight? Soooo not the case. First, it was packed when I arrived. Stayed busy all night until about 10pm and then thinned out nicely. We were starting to think it'd be another slow night. Right around 10:15pm people starting coming in droves. They can't get lanes from 10:30pm until 11:00pm because they're clearing out the bowlers already inside. At 11pm anyone still left bowling either has to pay $14 per person or leave so that the 11:30 night bowling crowd can have the lanes.

There was a huge group that showed up about 11:15 or so. I'm talking multiple cars filled with people. The lead car flipped a spin (pulled up his e-brake) in the lot. I'm supposed to kick those guys off the property. They wouldn't leave. They weren't trying to get past me into the bowling alley, they just wouldn't leave. So I went in and told the night manager what was going on and he told me to have them come in and talk to him. Well he recognized one of the guys, so he let them stay. After telling me to get rid of people like that, he lets them stay. The bowling alley was full (all lanes occupied) by 11:36.

When it closed down for the night and everyone came out, the huge group of people (now much more intoxicated) came out. They had ZERO respect for me. They were making fun of me (oh don't pull your e-brake when you leave, the security might get you! She might call the cops, watch out. Ooohhh scary security...etc). But what should I expect after doing my job just to have the night manager make me look like an ass. But I'm done. Let them deal with the stupid assholes. Anyone that wants to come bowling, can go right on in. If they have an issue, "Oh I'm sorry but I thought it was ok to let them in. YOU DID!!!" Sure it could cost me my job, but he's doing a shitty job of backing me up when I try to enforce the rules that they gave me in the first place. UGH!

At one point the drunken bastards had a basketball out and were screwing around playing ball in the lot (after closing). I can't leave until the place is clear. So of course it took them FOREVER to leave. Actually, they didn't even go until they saw one of the employees leave.