Friday, October 26, 2012

Rest in peace Bubba, I love you

My beloved boy Skyler Beau crossed the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. 

Skyler you were a sweet boy.  So loving, so good and so amazingly valiant.  You fought hard to overcome all your health issues.  You had such a gifted heart.  I love you.  I will miss you forever.  Thank you for blessing my life for ten and a half years.  No one will EVER take your place in my heart.  I am trying to get a new friend.  You know your Momma needs a love.  I think you and God had a hand in guiding me to the new little guy.  I will never call him Bubba or Monkey.  He will be Milo Ryder Gibbs James.  He will be a new heart to take care of and hopefully with your guidance from Heaven, he will be the new heart that loves me back.

Give your sister Abbigail love for me, as well as your Great Grandparents.  Run free baby boy, no more pain, no more crooked body, no more bald chest or "old man warts".  Sweet angel boy, I miss you.

Monday, September 03, 2012

The Beauty Around Us

Something beautiful sometimes comes from something painful.  If it weren't for my struggles, I wouldn't have found a passion like wild life photography.  I hope one day to be REALLY good, instead of just lucky.

God puts beauty in everyone's life.  Sometimes we just have to open our eyes to find it.

Two random things can create something truly breath taking.



Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The heartache of loss

So this is a safe place for me to write out all the pain that comes with divorce.  I need to get it out, it's like a poison in my soul.  I feel like I am being shredded from the inside and I just don't know where everything went so wrong.

I feel so wasted.  My husband hates me.  My home is no longer a safe place, instead there are memories at every glance.  I alternate between wanting to cry and wanting to scream.  I just don't understand.  I spent almost 13 years trying to be everything.  His every happiness was all I ever cared about inside and now, I'm empty.  I feel lost, alone, ugly and hopeless.

How did we get here?  How did we get to the point that he wishes I would die?

Thursday, April 05, 2012

I have come back.

Life has gone full circle since I last posted. I've noticed that this blog seemed to really cycle around my relationship with my husband. So I want to close that cycle with this post.

John was unfaithful. During a period of time when I was facing life threatening health complications, he threw his money away on marijuana. He shared his body with another woman and didn't confess to me until last week. So not only was my health in jeopardy because of my own body, he put me at risk by having sex with someone else. There is no way that someone who knows what love truly is, would do that. I'm okay with the divorce coming now. It will always hurt and it will take me a long time to fully accept that my marriage failed but that I did not fail.

I want only great things for him, because that's just how I love. I know I am better than he ever deserved. I took care of him, loved him, treasured him, shared all of myself with him. What else is there? Unless he has a major wake up call and learns to get in touch with his feelings completely instead of living in denial...he'll never be truly happy. Any woman getting involved with him now, deserves what she is going to get.

I deserve better.